Thursday, February 9, 2012
It was a good appointment, we've worked up a good rapport (I totally just tried to spell that repoire - ack - twice) and once I got used to her sort of brash, in your face manner, I've been finding her helpful. That in itself is odd because usually female anythings don't do it for me - doctors, nurses, shrinks, you name it. We discussed my slip up on Monday and did the pros and cons of what happened. It turned out to be more in the pros column which was a shock but great surprise for me. Basically what I did, got me to group where I needed to be and it always jumped started something in my head so I was able to get "out of my head". Tuesday and Wednesday were much better days, more productive and calmer emotion-wise. So despite the failure it was to my skills set, my action had some benefit which is a relief.
One thing my therapist did ask me was since I have two releases out this week - how was I celebrating? I paused for a very long time - mind searching for some way to celebrate but more importantly, some reason for celebrating with the release of two very insignificant short stories. And unfortunately, that's how they seem to me - insignificant in the land of m/m where authors who write novel-length works are my heroes and also my intimidators. Due to all the batting around of insecurity and excuses of why my "short stories" were inadequate and silly in the sea of "good stories", I had no answer for her. So she told me what to do - "go out and by yourself some flowers". I thought she was damn crazy - not that I'd never bought flowers for myself in a casual way but to buy them specifically for something I'd done, something I should be proud of - preposterous, especially since it always confuses me whether I have anything to BE proud of.
I'm not sure what it is with me that having two under 10,000 word stories coming out just seems lame because I love other people's short stories and don't feel they are lame or inadequate or insignificant. Finally Home was 30,000 but it still seems small pittance to me compared to anyone else's work. I'm not sure how to get out of this mindset. I mean I do have WIPs that will be considered novel-sized when I'm done, but I'm not so sure if even those will strike some achievement chord in me. Is that something you have earn or learn? Anyhow, as you can see I did buy the flowers and even wrote myself a little card - my family all think I'm nuts but that's nothing different.
My birthday is in 3 days - not something I ever look forward to, plus there's Valentines' Day which, with the state of my marriage, is definitely no big deal. How about someone just give me this, just for a day and then I can be content. ☺
PS - did you see him on Glee - and no I don't usually watch - but BAZINGA. He made me so happy I cried.