Struggling with myself

I'm struggling a little at the moment; could be the deadlines I've put myself under or the changing of doctors & finding of a psychologist (1st appointment today), could be my immobility that I'm tired to death w dealing w or the rapid changing of the weather that makes my head spin and ache. I guess it could be a lot of things that are causing the low mood, the anxiety, insecurity & lack of self-confidence and motivation.

Every year I say if I can only get past March or even April, things will get better but this year isn't proving that way. Last year I felt like a writer, but right now I feel like anything but, and I wonder if I'll ever publish a damn thing again.

Dwarf-aholic nonsense and a K-lee update

Greetings from the land of hermits and cave-dwellers. Some of this might just be me repeating myself and not having the brain power to remember or even check. I have indeed been using my hermiting (not a word) skills to keep myself shut away in my cave. January and February are months where my clinical depression clouds my brain with the added bonus of having my borderline personality disorder seal the deal and keep my mind and body in complete chaos. In other words, things have not been good but since February is quickly passing, I'm hoping for a new start yet again. (this post is sort of a rehashing of the one I did on LiveJournal today - just so you know.

February is also my birthday month which has never had any appeal to me but thanks to those of you who wished me well on that day where I grow nothing but older. I experienced a bout of writers' block in December, January and February and it's just been over the past week that I've been able to get some of the ranting and raving characters and plots out of my head and onto the page. Not being able to write feeds into the depression since that's generally my outlet to clear myself of some of the emotion that the borderline sees fit to keep spinning 'round my head at all times. (OH BY THE WAY - THAT DUDE ON THE RIGHT ---> YOU'LL FIND OUT ABOUT HIM LATER)

Stuck in the grey & giveaway winners

On the heels of a couple almost-normal days where faking it inline was mildly possible, the last few have been covered in a thick layer of grey. It's not even a translucent shadow where I can at least tumble a few words onto a page that are homelessly, hopelessly, frustratingly rattling around my brain. It's thick and bold and has but one purpose, to suck the life out of me, and unfortunately its succeeding.

Random #6 - Anxiety

Today's random subject is anxiety, mainly because I'm anxious as hell right now. I have panic attacks and generalized anxiety disorder which unfortunately means that most times I have no idea why I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my skin.

Nothing is different about my day today yet my heart is pounding hard enough for me to feel it in my ears. My body feels twitchy on the inside more than the outside. I'm a little disoriented and shaky. To put it bluntly, I'm having a bad day.

Random #5 - January sucks

I have no words - only pictures.

Random stuff 3 - obsession

Yesterday's randomness was serious - today's not so much. I do have a tendency to obsess over things so this post definitely fits. I have OCD but its mild. I'm not someone who has to turn off the lights three times before leaving a room or check the stove all the time or someone who thinks they've left their flat-iron on every time they leave the house - okay, that's a lie, I do do that. I guess my point, if there is one, is that though my mind does go into obsessed mode more often than not, I don't view obsession as necessarily being a bad thing unless its actually harmful.

Random stuff 2 - depression

Depression is a wide-spread mental health issue that can affect anyone with no regard to gender, sexuality, age, marital status, social standing or whatever else. It can produce physical problems as well as emotional. Oftentimes it is disregarded as easily fixable or not really there because unless a person has experienced it, it can be extremely hard to understand. Lack of understanding can then lead to fear of the unknown which in turn leads to apathy and impatience for those who suffer from it.

Peek-a-boo 2013 - I'm still here so please poke me

Happy 2013. I know I'm a little late but real life can be a bitch sometimes. At the moment I have a hairline crack on my wrist which is also sprained. It's not casted, just wrapped and hurts like a bitch. And of course it's my right wrist (my crutch hand) and I'm completely left-hand-challenged so I feel like a flaily newborn kitten being especially flaily. I'm typing this on my iPad with the Blogger app so hopefully it will even work.

Depression and Sweet Story Recs

Fall has always been a hard time of year for me. There's never been a rhyme or reason as to why and believe me when I say, it's been researched and queried over and over. I have clinical depression - I'm not afraid to say it and I don't care who knows it - and there are two times of year that sink me lower than others: Fall (namely end of August to end of October) and the months of January and February (my birthday month lol). Strange timing and I'm thankful for the couple months between fall and January to sort of regroup

Ramblings, updates, hiatus (sort of)

<---THIS! Yes.

I do need more time despite flitting and procrastinating it away the past couple of weeks. I leave Tuesday for a 12 night cruise to Northern Europe, all in total gone from June 5-23 and I am not prepared. Haven't decided what I can wear (read - what I can fit into that's not disgusting on me), what I should take (I'm an obsessive over-packer), what can stay behind (not much - kitchen sink maybe?) Anyone have any must-sees or suggestions for London, England - we'll be there 3 nights after the cruise?

I'm also a little discouraged that I have two new releases coming out while I'm gone. Author fail in the promo department, a department I suck at anyhow. Countdown to Daddies is a sweet story if I do say so myself but it's Lucius' Bite that is the meat and potatoes of my books at the moment. In the back of my mind I have this notion that if it does marginally well, if people like it, then I am finally an author. It's probably because it's my longest to date, my first book I'll be able to hold in my hand because it will be in print, plus it's a genre I've never written (not even really in fanfiction). I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself, even hesitating on really starting the next one in the series because if Lucius flops, there's no point.

I will be making up a couple scheduled posts with a give-away on Countdown to Daddies (comes out June 15) and Lucius' Bite (June 22) and hopefully blogger won't screw those up. I'd appreciate it if you read those posts that you'd tweet the links or whatever, just to get the word out. I have a couple of other blogs doing give-aways, too, and will keep try to update you on that.

As for the promo thing, most days I just don't have a clueI know there are no guarantees in writing and unless you really put yourself out there, nothing will happen for you but sometimes it's discouraging. I'm also feeling some readers/buyers guilt because I've finally realized that waiting to buy books at All Romance (for the deals), Fictionwise (for the sales) or even on Amazon (for the format) severely cuts into the royalties of authors. My first royalty statements cleared that up in my mind and I'm definitely going to try to buy my books right from the publishers now. Third party sales are wicked hard on the author. I've definitely learned a lesson and it's discouraging because I know why people (myself) buy them from those distributors so asking someone to just buy from the pubs is unfair. This isn't a lecture by any means, just a realization that struck home hard and fast.

Domestic Relations is on the cusp of being submitted to Less Than Three - those last few edits, revisions and read-throughs just seem like hell to me. I don't have a release date yet for my pretty lawyer boys, but I'm thinking near the end of the summer. When I get a cover I'll share that too.

I have some end-of-Hop ends to tied up (thanks again to all who participated - I believe it was a success) on top of the editing, packing and freaking out so I should get my procrastinating butt moving on at least doing something - my mood's been low so that just adds to my lack of motivation.  Hopefully I'll get one more post in before I leave. Have a great weekend.

Oh and if you're going to the movies this weekend (and decide not to go to The Avengers LOL 

- it's only been 4 times for me), keep in mind this movie is out with the lovely 

(sexy, hot-as-fuck) Chris Hemsworth. :)

A little ranting and rambling for a Sunday

I've neglected this blog again, so what else is new right? I just can't seem to get the hang of posting every day or even every other day with all the writing I'm trying to do and all of the RL crap that I'm dealing with. And to be perfectly honest, sometimes I don't see a lot of point in taking the time to blog at all.

In whining news ~ I generally have a congregation of one - thank you Lisa - and sometimes two - thank you Diane - and though I guess I write this mostly for myself, it gets discouraging. I know I'm whining, maybe even being a self-righteous bitch, but venting is part of blogging, is it not? Anyhow, my mood is low and RL is busy at the moment, both of which would explain the maudlin tone of this post so far.

In writing news ~ I'm stuck in a world of revising, adding and editing at the moment. My latest manuscript - Domestic Relations - is in the final stages of being completion before being submitted and it's driving me up the freaking wall. It seems when I get to this stage in all my longer stories, I end up wanting to throw my laptop or iPad out the window so I never have to look at those damn words and those stupid characters (that I know I still love) anymore.

It makes it harder to immerse myself in what I'm doing and what I need right now is to just get the damn thing done and out of my hands. One of the issues is not having had anyone look it over for me, except near the beginning, so my insecurity rises sending my confidence crashing to the ground and all I'm left with is what-the-fuck am I writing and who-the-fuck wants to read this anyway. ~~big dramatic sighs~~

In publishing news ~ Countdown to Daddies comes out June 15 (I think) and Lucius' Bite (Family of Misfits 1) on the 22nd from MLR. Both of which I will be away for - great. I'm thinking about doing a give-away but not sure there's a point to that either. Yeah, I'm not what you'd call a sparkling example of an enthusiastic writer at the moment which is really too bad because it's a big jump for me - two releases in one month, one of them my first novel-length and print edition. My free read for LIAW ~Lazy Sundays~ is due out on July 5 and I have a pretty cover courtesy of Megan Derr. Still love characters boys so hard.

In RL news ~ I leave on the 5th for London to board the ship for our 12 day Northern European cruise and unfortunately, I'm not excited yet. I know I will be and maybe getting this book finished and out of my hands for a while, will let me relax enough to freak out and get excited. I also know part of the issue is figuring out what to wear when you're so used to messing around in your pjs and sweats all day, and completely loathe having to put on real clothes everyday, especially when I hate how I look in everything. ~stops whining~

Also in RL, I saw Seether a week and a half ago. Awesome as usual though they never get true credit for what they do. Also went to baby boy's gig this past week ~til 2 in the morning may I add~ watching him always makes me happy.

AND I got to live out a bit of a fangirl moment this week as well.
Not sure how many people outside of Canada know of Great Big Sea but they are an absolute favourite of mine and I got to meet, get a pic and autograph after seeing Alan Doyle (lead singer) on his solo tour. The venue was under 500 people, a theatre actually, and it was the most awesome show ever. His voice is amazing and when he sings without instruments, I get total goosebumps. Wasn't going to post the pic with me in it but what the hell - don't judge, just had my hair did that day and hadn't fixed it my own way though (and it's a horrible as fuck pic of me). Alan is sweeter than pie, called me "love' and even tried out my crutch. Lol. Love him. Check out his album. :)

Finally something else much less appreciative - unfortunately this could be considered a self-righteous rant as well. I was one of the organizers of the Hop Against Homophobia and though it went far better than expected, one incident has put a damper on the whole thing for me. One of the participants, who put themselves out there in their post, received a comment so vile and unnecessary it made my skin crawl. The commenter slammed the blogger's way of life, character, profession and even their family under the guise of religious belief. It was an atrocious mix of words from a person clearly looking for attention, completely delusional in their thinking, someone so homophobic I wanted to crawl through the screen and wrap my hands around their neck. Yes, I know violence will not solve the problem but the over-the-top road rage I feel when I'm stuck in traffic has nothing on what I felt when I read that comment. I'm not looking for answers or advice. I just needed to vent about an issue that despite not being something that personally affects to me, makes me seriously question the thoughts, words and actions of people who claim God guides them. No offence to anyone with religious beliefs or anyone who believes in God, but that boat sailed for me a long time ago and at the moment I'm really glad to not be on it.

 In closing, I'll make myself happy with some Thor (Chris Hemsworth) pics (update - I've seen The Avengers 4 times now - don't judge)
:)

This is who I really am

<-- That right there is exactly how I feel - not because of anything anyone has said or done, just because of the spinning of my brain and the malfunction of my emotions and thoughts. If you've never experienced the wrath and instability of depression, you're not only lucky but you can't truly understand the emotions and toil it takes not only on someone's mind but their body as well. And I really hope y'all don't think I'm looking for sympathy when I post about these things, I'm merely venting my feelings a little.

Half-full or Half-empty?

Half-empty? Half-full?

Everyone has a different opinion or perspective on this age old question of negativity vs positivity. I'll be the first to admit that I'm the Half-Empty type but over the past few years with all the struggles I've gone through and the thinking - forced and otherwise - I've done, I'm trying harder to let my mind swing a little when it comes to viewing this glass.


Maybe it's my disorder or my depression or just simply who I am but the positives of situations don't come nearly as easy for me as the negatives. I'm emotional all the time and on those bad days when everything I see, touch, hear makes me cry, (like today) I curse those emotions and wish I could just box them up and send them away, and in some ways I have. 

K-lee's update and pimpage post

January and February are two of the toughest months of the year for me. My depression seems to enjoy coming out to play during this time and last year these two fabulous months led to a few months in hospital. 

Skip to this year - I'm nowhere near how I was as one year ago & I have some good things happening and going on. I just need to lie a little low, find some patience for myself and ask for and allow some extra support from my friends. I guess I'm needy right now, a state I do not enjoy being in. So if you'll all bear with me, I'd appreciate it. 
End of update on the ickiness - on to the goodness.

Beautiful Zoolights and some health issues...

Lights are my favorite thing about Christmas. I like the decorations and music too, but the lights are definitely where it's at for me. Calgary has a thing called Zoolights every year where the whole zoo becomes a sparkly lighted paradise. There are all different kind of scenes and it's truly beautiful. I haven't been in a few years, probably since my kids were small, but I think this year I'd like to go. It's definitely very sappy to say but Christmas lights let some light into my soul and my heart especially when I'm feeling low. I'm posting a few pics of Zoolights (not mine). What's your favorite part of Christmas?

Pretty right? I'm also wanted to talk a bit about my doctor's appointment yesterday. Just need to get it off my chest, hope no one minds but I guess you can always skip this part of the post. It's no secret that I have clinical depression and was hospitalized twice this year - 6 weeks each - for medication changes. The medication I'd been on for over 5 years wasn't effective anymore - probably for over a year and half, and I left it too long to say anything to my doctor so I ended up trying to make the change at home but ended up in hospital anyhow. The first time didn't pan out and I was back in two weeks later for another change. That one took but with a few side effects that I was able to deal with anyhow. The only thing that didn't work its way out was the tiredness and despite switching times and things around, it just got worse.

I had blood tests and was really hoping the problem was my iron levels - something easier to fix than other things, but it wasn't. My doctor and I talked about how I'd had Chronic Fatigue before I went on the med that helped me for so long, something I'd totally forgotten. She suggested going back on the original med since there was enough time in between to try it again and I agreed that would be the best course of action. The only problem is because she's my new doctor and doesn't even have any reports back from when I was in hospital, she wants my psychiatrist to do the changes since he knows me better. I can understand that but as much as I love my shrink and trust him (as far as I'm concerned he saved my life 7 years ago when he diagnosed me with Borderline), he's the hardest man to get ahold of and to track down. He's a great doc but more than a little scatterbrained and absent-minded. 

So now I have to wait and try to figure out if this is even something I want to try. The issue is the Chronic Fatigue will undoubtedly lead to the depression if left untreated because not being able to do things like 4 days a week breeds bad thoughts about myself, is really frustrating and yes, depressing. The other issue is whether the old drug will work again since it stopped working in the first place, or maybe it didn't even stop but my depression just became overwhelming. I liked the old med, it's the only one with an energy boost in it and I never had any side effects from it except possibly migraines but not sure about that one. Whether these two meds can be taken without a break is something I don't know yet and that may be a problem too since I don't do well with having nothing in my system, obviously if I did I wouldn't be on the doses I'm on. Hence that's why they usually hospitalize me to do it. Gonna try it at home but that'll take patience which I'm not so great at, non-judging of myself and giving myself a break while I adjust.

I guess my patience will be tested as I wait for my doc to call me back and then try to convince him that this is the thing that needs to be done for my overall state of sanity. My cholesterol results were pretty bad, my good cholesterol low and my bad cholesterol way too high. This is of concern even more so because of the early-onset stroke that runs in my family - my dad died of stroke at 32 and my uncle had one at about the same age - so what do you do for high cholesterol? You exercise and lose weight - 2 things that when you have major Chronic Fatigue are almost impossible to do - I do try but fail. The other option is more meds but my GP won't consider that until the other med changes are set and completed. So basically I'm in limbo as to what's going to go on and still exhausted as crap. I've also rebooked my sleep study for December because the first one was rejected (not a good thing to tell a Borderline) so will give that another try too. Maybe sorting out my horrible insomnia will helps things as well. All I really want to do is just write and enjoy the process and the fact that soon I'll be a published author but right now I can't even do that.

Enough of the babbling. Have a good day and rest of the week.

Depression and ponderance with a little light...

To people who know me, it's no big secret that the fall is a hard time for me. It's never been remedied or even reasoned why but it still keeps happening. I thought with my two 6 week hospitalizations this year for the depression that I'd get a pass for the fall but I was mistaken - of course. My therapist says it's not just the depression but the way in which the depression keeps coming back and the things that don't change during that time. The common factor is my home life and relationship with my husband but that is something unfortunately is not apt to change.

My intention for this blog was never to share my feelings but my writing and bright, happy, sexy pictures of beautiful men but that's sort of fallen by the wayside and I guess I need a place to express myself.  I'll take this blog off my writer profile on GR altogether so I don't have to appear as a whacko to someone who might be inclined to buy a book from me one day. I do have a website - well, not a real website - I have a domain and a place to put it but no actual format or anything. Not sure I ever will unfortunately since I'm so lame at things like that.

That's one thing I'm disallusioned with - my writing - I have my Christmas cowboys coming out on December 27 from MLR and now my really short YA coming out sometime after that but I feel like that's it for me. What did they call those bands back in the 80s and 90s that only had "one song that anyone liked" - one-hit wonders? Well, I think I'll be a two-book has-been. I see the things my friends write and the connections they have and I just find myself saying "what's the point"? There are so many excellent writers who have established critique groups and yeah, I'll say it... I'm jealous that some of my friends have that support and backing, a place where they can ask for feedback or help without feeling like a pest. I always feel like a pest, a burden, when I ask someone to read something for me and when I feel that way it just makes me back away from asking for help, makes me back away from my friends period.

And speaking of friends, that's a hard thing right now too. I have very few RL friends - and I like it that way - but the ones I have I cherish. My online friends are just as important but when my thoughts swirl in the fog of depression and unhappiness, my connections to those people become faded for me. I think I push friendships too hard, get too engrained and needy and stalkerish so my solution is to pull away and let those people go on with their lives without having to deal with me. It's hard on me but in my mind it's the only solution - to be alone, to hermitize myself, to not be an intrusion in lives that have their own issues. I love my friends and when they do me the honour of returning my friendship, I couldn't be happier but when I become too dwelly on myself, too over-needy and sad, they don't deserve to have to put up with me.

This blog is a bone of contention for me as well. I know you have to post something interesting to have people actually comment but when no one does, my mind goes straight to "they don't like me" or "I suck". That's typical me unfortunately. But saying that doesn't mean I'm vying for sympathy or attention, just letting whoever reads this into my head. That's another reason the writing may just not be my calling - that's the wrong word since I believe I've always needed to write and wanted to be a writer - maybe a better way to put it is I'm just not cut out for it. And maybe part of the disallusionment happened at Gay Rom Lit when I actually felt like I belonged somewhere that wasn't my own home and didn't involve being a mom. Maybe that feeling blinded me and now I'm seeing that it just wasn't true, that who I can be is not who I want to be. Too many questions and no answers.

There was a shining light in my tunnel last night. My youngest, Jake, had a gig with his band Cluster Fox. It was the first time they'd really performed since they went from being City of Fiction to the new name and changed some members. The bar was a little run-down and there weren't a lot of people there - some for the first act and more for the last one, but we had our own little smatterings of fans. I love to watch him perform on stage because it's a totally different side to my quiet, non-competitive, thoughtful child. He plays his bass and sings with the same passion he puts into his art but more so I think. Always wanted my own little rock star so in that way, I'm a proud mama. (I know the pic sucks - lighting in places like that sucks and I didn't have my real camera with me - mom!fail.)

Anyhow have a good long weekend (for most of you) and I guess I'll see what next week brings.

Tired...just tired

I have this lethargic tiredness going on and I really hate it.

I just feel tired and run-down and I'm not entirely sure why.

My therapist says I have to put more structure in my day but getting out of this funk is harder than I thought.

Sometimes it feels like I'm coming down from some great high. You know, the dizziness and almost-doped-up feeling in your head but there had been no great high going on at all.

Oh well, I'll just have to wait it out I guess. Do what I can to keep my eyes from falling closed and my body from becoming a slug in the middle of the living room.

Good night, all...errr...I mean have a good day. :P