~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~it's all about the love~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday, February 2, 2012

This is who I really am

<-- That right there is exactly how I feel - not because of anything anyone has said or done, just because of the spinning of my brain and the malfunction of my emotions and thoughts. If you've never experienced the wrath and instability of depression, you're not only lucky but you can't truly understand the emotions and toil it takes not only on someone's mind but their body as well. And I really hope y'all don't think I'm looking for sympathy when I post about these things, I'm merely venting my feelings a little.

I have clinical depression - have had it for almost 20 years - and certain times of the year are worse than others. Generally the end of August to the beginning of October and the months of January and February. I've done light therapy to see if it's SAD related (seasonal affective disorder) but the light gave me migraines which I'm already very susceptible. Add on top of that my Borderline Personality Disorder or Emotional Dysregulation and you get BAZINGA! double-edged sword of emotions. (I heart Sheldon so hard)

Eight out of the past ten years I have been in hospital in either January or February or sometimes both so that's why I'm trying not to do as the kitteh in the picture is doing - hide. Hiding is the logical impulse in my brain right now - hide so no one can see the pain, so no one has to deal with what's going on inside me, so everyone else can remain blissfully oblivious. Hiding is also one of the worst things I can do at this time of year and when my thoughts are dark and fleeting. So I'm trying very hard not to hide, trying to stay out in the open and if that makes anyone uncomfortable, I apologize. I had someone ask me if I thought it was a good idea to mix my personal thoughts and struggles with my professional (author-related) life and I've given it a lot of thought lately. My conclusion is that there is no way to untangle my personal from my professional because what happens to me personally does affect my writing - it affects how I write my characters, how I torture them and then make them deliriously happy, it affects where a story will go, and it affects what stories I write. After all, authors are just people, aren't they?

 Another question that has come up recently is how my friends should deal with this time frame of my year - what is the best way to help me. Unfortunately, no one can help me in that way - not even the meds - but what my friends can do is just keep in touch, give me a little push when they haven't heard from me, keep me out of my hibernation chamber basically. A comment or tweet or email is like an internet hug to me and that's something I'm never against - a hug. That's a lot of responsibility I know and I don't expect everyone or even anyone to commit to such an undertaking but I'm putting it out there so you know that I don't consider it bothering me if you get in touch or if you ask me how I am or even say "wtf girl, get off your ass and talk to me" - lol. Seriously, I would take that with a much-needed smile on my face.

Maybe someday I'll regret sharing too much but right now, this is who I am - take it or leave it. I guess. Or as my tattoo says "Look in my eyes - this is who I really am". Anyone know where that lyric came from - it's probably close to being my #1 song of all time. This is a quiz people. :)

Anyhow, I'm sharing one of my fave songs (nope, not the tat one) and fave bands (nope, not the tat band) with you. I love Staind - Aaron Lewis' voice just does good/bad things to me - and this song is so me it's scary. It's a weird video but very beautiful too.

PS This will be a double blog day again so you will get some good mixed with the morose. :)


  1. Goddess love you, sweetheart-- I shall try to remember to give you a push or a smile or a twitch or a whathaveyou-- and good for you, for being brave, and for not hiding:-)

  2. I agree with everything Amy said! It's easier to hide than to put yourself out there, so *hugs* and props for doing that. <3

  3. Ahhhh Amy - you always make me cry in a very good way. And you can poke, push or smile at me anytime. If I hid I'd miss all you's guys anyhow. How's the move to Canada coming? :) ❤

    Thanks my beautiful Piper. Hugs always needed and real ones in March too. Maybe even with Amy. :) ❤

  4. November and December are my worst months. The last time I opened up about what it feels like to spend the "most wonderful time of the year" dealing with all the darkness inside of me, I was told I was being selfish and to stop whining. I decided it was less painful to live with my own terrible thoughts than to know someone else was thinking the same of me. So, I hide. Even when there are wonderful, beautiful things happening in my life, I keep them hidden.

    I can't help but admire your courage in putting it all out there for the world to see.

    I'm far from being your most frequent commenter or Tweeter, but I will keep you in mind as you struggle through one of your more difficult times of the year. <3

  5. Dear Anonymous - I'm sorry you feel the need to hide but I understand it. I think I contained my darkness better when my kids were small, keeping it more to myself unless of course I was in one of my two hospital stays a year at the time. Now I feel like I'm searching for myself and keeping that part hidden just isn't conducive to finding me since it's a part of me.

    I'm really sorry that someone made you feel that way but please have faith that not everyone will have the same reaction. The stigma of mental illness still runs rampant in society and because we don't wear a cast or bandage or show signs of a physical illness, we're not considered to have a real disease or disorder or whatever. I think things are changing slowly in that way, people at least trying to understand and the media making it seem less attention-seeking behaviour and more delving more into what depression and mental illness really mean and do. It's like that commercial says "Depression hurts...everyone".

    I don't know who you really are but I encourage you to email me if you want to talk about how you're feeling - the familiarity of having someone understand has always been a big help to me so please don't be shy or hesitant if you feel the need.

    Take care of your self and thanks so much for your support and words.

    kleemoon66 at gmail dot com

  6. ::hugs:: Grateful that you're being honest about what you're going through and not hiding.

    Oh and I love your tattoo even if I don't know what song the lyrics are from.

  7. Thank you. I'm happy to get such a loving response. Hiding is so much easier than putting yourself out there - I think I need a mixture of the two.
    Oh and I'm going to post the video of the song tomorrow. :)

  8. Oh honey *hugs* Thanks for sharing. The good thing about being an author is that most people probably expect you to be plagued with depression. I'm starting to think it has something to do with the artistic bits in our brains! January was hell for me (though it should have been a happy month with my releases) and I'm trying to recover now. It always takes a couple of months after a bad one (...or until I plunge again). I try to be open with my illness as well, because, like you said, eventually it'll help lessen the stigma. I've been depressed for almost 8 years. It took 6 years to accept that this wasn't going to go away overnight.

    If you need to talk, I'm here :) I also understand the disappearing act - I tend to do it as well (when I manage to convince myself that people don't really like me much). I have a hard time hanging onto friends because of it. I'll be sure to poke you once in a while ;)

    *Another hug*


  9. I forgot: are the lyrics by Brian Adams? The Four Musketeers movie song? I only remember the "Look into my eyes" bit of the song though :P

  10. *hugs* Can certainly understand the desire to hide away and do it often. I hope you start feeling better soon.

  11. Oh darling, it saddens me to read that you are suffering from your depression again. But I admire you for your honesty to talk so openly about it.
    I maybe not comment frequently or be active on all the social networks, but you're always on my mind.
    I hope you feel better soon.