Maybe it's my disorder or my depression or just simply who I am but the positives of situations don't come nearly as easy for me as the negatives. I'm emotional all the time and on those bad days when everything I see, touch, hear makes me cry, (like today) I curse those emotions and wish I could just box them up and send them away, and in some ways I have.
I was on a widely-used medication at one point that made me emotionless. Picture that, someone with a disorder described as emotional dysregulation whose life evolves around not logic but emotion, having no emotions at all. My husband says it was like I was encased in a glass box, I could see out and everyone else could see in but I was unreachable and basically didn't give a crap about anything. I hate that my kids saw me that way and I hate that my doctors insisted it was the right solution for me. I may want to rip my heart out so I don't have to feel at all some days but that's definitely not the way to do it.
Emotions are the language of everyone’s mental and emotional state of being and are tied to a person’s social and physical sensory feelings. They tell you how to react to different situations and are necessary for expressing what you feel and need. They do need to be controlled - I get that - but having them taken away completely is not the answer. Taking my emotions away also took my creativity away and that was totally unacceptable for someone who uses their creativity to express everything they feel on the inside but don't know how to deal with on the outside. That's what my writing does to and for me. It lets me relay how I'm feeling on the inside by letting me breathe on the outside. That doesn't mean I feel what my characters are feeling or visa-versa, it just means I use how I'm feeling to shape the situation I've put my characters in. I can be feeling like complete crap, like my world is falling down and still write a scene where the love just jumps off the page. In that way, it doesn't seem to matter what I'm writing just as long as I'm doing it.
The fact that I've dipped my toe into writing publicly, opening myself up for emotional criticism and failure is nothing short of a miracle. All I know is I need to write and when someone likes what I'm writing, when I'm getting positive feedback it flutters and zaps my hug-seeking heart and makes me feel like I'm doing something right - something important to someone besides me. I know it's just fiction and it's just fluffy versions of reality but as Sally Field said so famously, it makes me feel like "You like me, you really like me". I won't talk about the scary as fuck part of having people not like what you write - we'll save that for later.
I've totally shifted from what I had intended on writing about but that's par for the course on a day (during a couple of statistically hard months) that is an emotional roller coaster for me. I started out wanting to talk about being more positive in my life and how I was going to do that but now, that's just not even in my sights. Instead I'll try a little exercise a really mean but totally wonderful psych nurse used to make me do (he was a hot Australian boy to boot). A gratitude list. I usually suck at these lists but hey, let's give it a try.
I am grateful for my over-emotionality because:
- it makes me empathetic towards others' situations
- it fuels my writing and allows me to express the inner feelings of my characters a little more realistically
- it keeps things interesting (lol)
- it balances the tough, independent exterior I try so hard to maintain by providing a big gushy, mushy, sappy centre
- it makes me write long-ass posts like this so y'all think I'm even crazier than I am :)
And while I'm in the swing of it - here are some other things I am grateful for:
- my beautiful kids who turned out impossibly normal and well-adjusted despite who raised them (lol)
- my online friends who take the good with the crazy and support me on a day-to-emotional-day basis
- my ability to put words on a page that sometimes actually make sense
- the two publishers who gave a newbie a chance this year and made do an actual happy dance (just inside of course)
- the quiet, stillness of my empty house during the week
- my cats who insist on making me pet and hug them so they can purr and love me back
- the beautiful men around the world who take the time to hug and love each other so others can take their pictures and post them online so people like me can ohh and ahh at them
And with that I will leave you with some pretty pictures that make me happy, and a hope that you all have a glass half-full weekend. :)
Bartek Borowiec is now my inspiration for my witch, Alistair,
in Family of Misfits and I'm chomping at the bit to write his story
even though it's not his turn
This lovely man has become my gypsy, Nicu, from the same series.
He and Lucius will make a beautiful couple.
This stunning picture by the fabulously talented Dan Skinner
is in my sights for my lawyer story. It's perfect - sexy but still classy.
David Guintoli who plays Detective Nick Burkhardt
on Grimm. Fabulous man, fabulous show.
Another great pic by Dan Skinner.
I love the way he's hidden behind his bangs.
A rockstar just waiting to be written. *purrs*
And another one - WHY DO I SEE ROCKSTARS EVERYWHERE??
My gosh, he's so beautiful.
❤The beautiful business card that Megan Derr is in the process of making me.❤
And of course, Lol Cats - you know I love 'em.
awww :~) that was an amazing and really sweet post. Hang in there ::hugs::ReplyDelete
That was emotional and touching, and heartbreakingly beautiful. Do hang in there.ReplyDelete
P.S: I know this might sound crazy, but I love the hot guys. *ooh, fans self* Lol.
A gratitude list. I like that. Great post! *hugs*ReplyDelete
Bartek and Alex Rosaleny are so beautiful. Sigh.
I like your list. There are times when I feel down and I don't want to be bothered by anyone or anything. Then I see some story on the news about someone who has been hurt or has lost a loved one and I realize how lucky and blessed I really am. I just need a reminder sometimes.ReplyDelete
I also have a Siamese cat that seems to know my moods and he tries to make me feel better by snuggling up with me.
You have written a very thought provoking post. I don't think you are crazy at all. Keep up the good work and keep those pictures coming :)
I really loved this post,so touching and beautiful... Hang in there!ReplyDelete
And those pics ... hot!
**hugs and squishes** (one of these days, we'll finally meet & I'll hug you for real!)ReplyDelete
There is also a joke for the half full/half empty debate that an engineer looks and says the glass is just too big!!!
I have learned the importance of gratitude the hard way myself, and it can be as simple as the fact you are still here, working through it! And creative expression, however you do it, writing, journaling, dancing, paint or draw, is a wonderful way of telling yourself how great you are! K-lee, you are amazing, pls don't ever forget that!
Take care, and here's to your glass half full weekend too!