Beautiful Zoolights and some health issues...

Lights are my favorite thing about Christmas. I like the decorations and music too, but the lights are definitely where it's at for me. Calgary has a thing called Zoolights every year where the whole zoo becomes a sparkly lighted paradise. There are all different kind of scenes and it's truly beautiful. I haven't been in a few years, probably since my kids were small, but I think this year I'd like to go. It's definitely very sappy to say but Christmas lights let some light into my soul and my heart especially when I'm feeling low. I'm posting a few pics of Zoolights (not mine). What's your favorite part of Christmas?

Pretty right? I'm also wanted to talk a bit about my doctor's appointment yesterday. Just need to get it off my chest, hope no one minds but I guess you can always skip this part of the post. It's no secret that I have clinical depression and was hospitalized twice this year - 6 weeks each - for medication changes. The medication I'd been on for over 5 years wasn't effective anymore - probably for over a year and half, and I left it too long to say anything to my doctor so I ended up trying to make the change at home but ended up in hospital anyhow. The first time didn't pan out and I was back in two weeks later for another change. That one took but with a few side effects that I was able to deal with anyhow. The only thing that didn't work its way out was the tiredness and despite switching times and things around, it just got worse.

I had blood tests and was really hoping the problem was my iron levels - something easier to fix than other things, but it wasn't. My doctor and I talked about how I'd had Chronic Fatigue before I went on the med that helped me for so long, something I'd totally forgotten. She suggested going back on the original med since there was enough time in between to try it again and I agreed that would be the best course of action. The only problem is because she's my new doctor and doesn't even have any reports back from when I was in hospital, she wants my psychiatrist to do the changes since he knows me better. I can understand that but as much as I love my shrink and trust him (as far as I'm concerned he saved my life 7 years ago when he diagnosed me with Borderline), he's the hardest man to get ahold of and to track down. He's a great doc but more than a little scatterbrained and absent-minded. 

So now I have to wait and try to figure out if this is even something I want to try. The issue is the Chronic Fatigue will undoubtedly lead to the depression if left untreated because not being able to do things like 4 days a week breeds bad thoughts about myself, is really frustrating and yes, depressing. The other issue is whether the old drug will work again since it stopped working in the first place, or maybe it didn't even stop but my depression just became overwhelming. I liked the old med, it's the only one with an energy boost in it and I never had any side effects from it except possibly migraines but not sure about that one. Whether these two meds can be taken without a break is something I don't know yet and that may be a problem too since I don't do well with having nothing in my system, obviously if I did I wouldn't be on the doses I'm on. Hence that's why they usually hospitalize me to do it. Gonna try it at home but that'll take patience which I'm not so great at, non-judging of myself and giving myself a break while I adjust.

I guess my patience will be tested as I wait for my doc to call me back and then try to convince him that this is the thing that needs to be done for my overall state of sanity. My cholesterol results were pretty bad, my good cholesterol low and my bad cholesterol way too high. This is of concern even more so because of the early-onset stroke that runs in my family - my dad died of stroke at 32 and my uncle had one at about the same age - so what do you do for high cholesterol? You exercise and lose weight - 2 things that when you have major Chronic Fatigue are almost impossible to do - I do try but fail. The other option is more meds but my GP won't consider that until the other med changes are set and completed. So basically I'm in limbo as to what's going to go on and still exhausted as crap. I've also rebooked my sleep study for December because the first one was rejected (not a good thing to tell a Borderline) so will give that another try too. Maybe sorting out my horrible insomnia will helps things as well. All I really want to do is just write and enjoy the process and the fact that soon I'll be a published author but right now I can't even do that.

Enough of the babbling. Have a good day and rest of the week.

I have a WEBSITE!

You can probably tell from the heading that I'm a little excited, and yes, I totally am. I have a real website now, designed by the fabulous Zathyn Priest. I don't actually know how to update it yet - I'm kind of scared to try and screw it up - but for now, it's good to go. Drop by and take a peek. :)

(click on the pretty picture to go there)

So beautiful...

Such a beautiful video. I totally teared up at the end. If more people understood how normal and unintimidating the relationship between two men is, there would be so much less confrontation and homophobia in the world.

(In other news, my website is almost done and it so purty!)

Flashback Friday - Pop Idols of the 70s

I thought for Flashback Friday, I'd go waaaay back this week. Back to the 70's to be more exact when I didn't listen to the pretty boys of hair metal (I was only in elementary school still) but the pretty boys of pop. :) (I have to admit these made me smile pretty hard and that's saying a lot for the couple weeks I've had)

The Partridge Family. I loved David Cassidy (now after seeing him in Celebrity Apprentice, he's kind of a pipsqueak jerk but I still have my memories) and yes, I was alive in 1970 but only for a few years - reruns people. :P One of my fave shows growing up and I just really wanted to become a Partridge.




Bay City Rollers, about 1975-1977 - lovely Scottish lads with their pretty tartan and sexy open shirts. Lol. (FYI, Eric the guitarist with the spiky hair to the right of Les, the singer, was my fave <3)

Shaun Cassidy 1977. He was actually hotter than David (half-brothers) and went on to play Joe Hardy in the Hardy Boys tv series (I read all the books way before then - always a Hardy Boys fan and not Nancy Drew - girls, yucky - not much has changed that way.) Shaun aged much better than David by the way.

Leif Garrett 1977. I'm sure there are an abundance of boys names Leif from these years. He's still around but mostly in rehab shows and things like that. :/ Such pretty hair.

Andy Gibb 1977. The youngest of the Brothers' Gibb - Bee Gees - he died in 1988 at the age of 30 of myocarditis - so sad). He was so beautiful inside and out. I cried when he died and I still miss his pretty face.

New group and a stunning transition...

That's what I want right there -->
No drama, no hating, no bashing and no accusations.
I'll be honest and say I like groups. I like to feel a part of things and I like to lurk and participate. Groups can make you feel like you're part of something bigger, like you're not alone and flailing out in the interwebz by yourself. I haven't felt that way for a while but I've taken a first step and joined another group.


At the beginning of anything new, there's no way of knowing whether things will be good or bad, will remain calm and welcoming, will stay drama-free but I'm taking the chance and hoping for the best. The new group is also on GoodReads and it's called Rainbow Writers and Readers. It was started by Aleks Voinov as a kind of anti-hate haven. Here's the rules - "this place will be moderated and all kinds of GLBTQQ-phobic or harassing comments will be deleted." Sounds good to me - guess we'll see what happens.

I also want to post about this amazing FTM transition that is old news probably, but something I just discovered. The man's name is Balian Buschbaum and before his transition he was an Olympic-calibre German pole vaulter named Yvonne Buschbaum. He retired because of injury in 2007 and then transitioned after that. He's gorgeous and as far as I'm concerned, amazing.

Some sexy bears for a friend...

A special person in my life is going through some heartbreak right now. We don't live in the same city, the same state or province, or even the same country but my heart is breaking for him. (If you know me, you know I'm a big ball of mushy emotion anyhow) We've never met in person and he's young enough to be my son but none of that negates the fact that I care about him and what happens to him. He's my baby bear and I'm his momma, and I just want him to feel better. I know I can't do that for him but as I told him, his broken heart will eventually heal and will find someone special to love again, and I just want him to know I'm thinking about him and worrying about him.  I'm not entirely sure if he's a bear-lover but I suspect he might be so here's a few pretty pics for him - maybe to take his mind off his pain for even a little while.

*smooches her baby bear*

Can't do any kind of bear post without some Samuel Colt

Angelo Peterson

Photograph extraordinaire Mike Ruiz

Don't know this guy's name but he has some nice cheeks. :P

Not really a "bear" pic but he's sooo cute

And last but definitely not least, Tony Buff -

not a bear but who doesn't love them some Buff

  And if you have Tony Buff, you gotta have some fetish, too - 

Tony and Derek Da Silva

Blog page update and help needed...

I'm having a drowsy day, again. Haven't heard back from the doctor about my blood tests or sleep test - guess I'll have to make an appointment. Don't think I'd mind so much if it was a little tiredness but it's like this overwhelming fatigue that makes it so I can't do a damn thing.

Writing wasn't working so I decided to upgrade my blog a little - between naps just like the kitty said. Didn't do much but added an extra column and put the word counts of my WIPs with the inspirational character pics to go with them. I kind of like how it looks except my header which really needs to be centred but I have no idea how to do that. Would really love some advice on it since my OCD really hates the way it looks right now. Also seriously considering paying someone to set up my website. I have a domain name and a site on HostBig! that is just going to waste right now. If anyone has any thoughts on this, please let me know.

I haz a cover! And I'm graduating from Mom school...

Well maybe a "happee" is a little over-zealous but I was a little on the excited side yesterday when my editor (who is fabulous by the way) sent me the cover for my Christmas story. I know it's the same cover everyone else will have for the Christmas series but just seeing it with my name, the story name and even the series name, brought a bit of a tear to my eye. (everyone already knows I'm a mush head right?)


Anyhow, I got to add it to GoodReads and to my author page and then I just sat and looked at it for a while. *snickers* I know I have my "Outfoxed" cover as well (thank you Zath) but this is the first cover that means I've accomplished something I set out to do. Did I mention that one of my goals - one of the only ones actually - that I set last time in the hospital was to get something published in 2011? Never thought it was actually happen but December 27 is definitely in 2011 so that totally counts. :)  I already have my YA story for 2012 so that's a good start, too. Hopefully more will follow but if not, I'll just be eternally grateful that "Finally Home" found a "home" with MLR.

FINALLY HOME - available December 27 at MLR Press


When his father's funeral brings Josiah Nelson back to his childhood home during the Christmas holidays, he's determined to sell the ranch and bury his past. But after his old friend, Wyatt Aames, rekindles a fire in Josiah's lonely soul, he realizes that home isn't the house you grew up in, it's where your heart belongs.
Click for GoodReads link:

In other news, my youngest turns 19 tomorrow. Nineteen years ago today (a Thursday), I was saying there was no way in hell I was having a baby on Friday the 13th and that's exactly what I did. But he's been nothing but a joy to me so I guess it turned out okay. It's a little harsh when you realize your last baby is in his teens now and wonder what will become of the person you've been for 24 years - Mom. Guess I'll have to figure that out. :)

Thank yous, MLR Schedule and Remembrance Day

Thank you to those who commented on my post yesterday. I appreciate the support but still wonder if I'm worthy of such loveliness in my life. As I said, it's not a good time right now but I'm trying to keep my head above water. It also wasn't a good day for friendships as I hurt someone I care very deeply about. I haven't made any decisions but my thoughts revolve around shutting myself up in my "writing cave" as some people so aptly refer to their writing, and letting friendships slip to the wayside so as not to cause any more undue stress for the people I care about. I guess I'll just have to wait and see where my heart takes me next. I am a people person, someone who needs that contact and validation whether in RL or online, but the insecurity that's bogging me down is intense right now. Regardless of that, thank you again.


Now I will shamefully pimp my first published story - coming out December 27. I'm so proud to be associated with so many fabulous authors in this Christmas schedule. Thank you, karma, for that.

And on this 11th day of November, please take a moment to remember those who lost their lives so we could be free whether for Remembrance Day or Veteran's Day.

Depression and ponderance with a little light...

To people who know me, it's no big secret that the fall is a hard time for me. It's never been remedied or even reasoned why but it still keeps happening. I thought with my two 6 week hospitalizations this year for the depression that I'd get a pass for the fall but I was mistaken - of course. My therapist says it's not just the depression but the way in which the depression keeps coming back and the things that don't change during that time. The common factor is my home life and relationship with my husband but that is something unfortunately is not apt to change.

My intention for this blog was never to share my feelings but my writing and bright, happy, sexy pictures of beautiful men but that's sort of fallen by the wayside and I guess I need a place to express myself.  I'll take this blog off my writer profile on GR altogether so I don't have to appear as a whacko to someone who might be inclined to buy a book from me one day. I do have a website - well, not a real website - I have a domain and a place to put it but no actual format or anything. Not sure I ever will unfortunately since I'm so lame at things like that.

That's one thing I'm disallusioned with - my writing - I have my Christmas cowboys coming out on December 27 from MLR and now my really short YA coming out sometime after that but I feel like that's it for me. What did they call those bands back in the 80s and 90s that only had "one song that anyone liked" - one-hit wonders? Well, I think I'll be a two-book has-been. I see the things my friends write and the connections they have and I just find myself saying "what's the point"? There are so many excellent writers who have established critique groups and yeah, I'll say it... I'm jealous that some of my friends have that support and backing, a place where they can ask for feedback or help without feeling like a pest. I always feel like a pest, a burden, when I ask someone to read something for me and when I feel that way it just makes me back away from asking for help, makes me back away from my friends period.

And speaking of friends, that's a hard thing right now too. I have very few RL friends - and I like it that way - but the ones I have I cherish. My online friends are just as important but when my thoughts swirl in the fog of depression and unhappiness, my connections to those people become faded for me. I think I push friendships too hard, get too engrained and needy and stalkerish so my solution is to pull away and let those people go on with their lives without having to deal with me. It's hard on me but in my mind it's the only solution - to be alone, to hermitize myself, to not be an intrusion in lives that have their own issues. I love my friends and when they do me the honour of returning my friendship, I couldn't be happier but when I become too dwelly on myself, too over-needy and sad, they don't deserve to have to put up with me.

This blog is a bone of contention for me as well. I know you have to post something interesting to have people actually comment but when no one does, my mind goes straight to "they don't like me" or "I suck". That's typical me unfortunately. But saying that doesn't mean I'm vying for sympathy or attention, just letting whoever reads this into my head. That's another reason the writing may just not be my calling - that's the wrong word since I believe I've always needed to write and wanted to be a writer - maybe a better way to put it is I'm just not cut out for it. And maybe part of the disallusionment happened at Gay Rom Lit when I actually felt like I belonged somewhere that wasn't my own home and didn't involve being a mom. Maybe that feeling blinded me and now I'm seeing that it just wasn't true, that who I can be is not who I want to be. Too many questions and no answers.

There was a shining light in my tunnel last night. My youngest, Jake, had a gig with his band Cluster Fox. It was the first time they'd really performed since they went from being City of Fiction to the new name and changed some members. The bar was a little run-down and there weren't a lot of people there - some for the first act and more for the last one, but we had our own little smatterings of fans. I love to watch him perform on stage because it's a totally different side to my quiet, non-competitive, thoughtful child. He plays his bass and sings with the same passion he puts into his art but more so I think. Always wanted my own little rock star so in that way, I'm a proud mama. (I know the pic sucks - lighting in places like that sucks and I didn't have my real camera with me - mom!fail.)

Anyhow have a good long weekend (for most of you) and I guess I'll see what next week brings.

Monday's Mood Music - Staind

"Pardon me
if I can't fake it
while you still
believe"

Beautiful bubble butt

This pic has been on my mind (and in my sight) all day and I just thought the kind thing to do would be to share it with my friends. I got it from Artistry of the Male  and if you like beautiful men and sexy pics, you gotta go there... now.

This is a butt that just begs to be written about whether you write it as an actual top or bottom.

I think not exposing the globes entirely just makes it sexier.

Any thoughts on the shape, wellness or overall wow-factor?

Acceptance of my YA story

I met a new friend at the Gay Romance Literature retreat and he offered to take a look at my Young Adult short story because he's young himself and I'm well... older. :)  He's also the new editor at Featherweight Publishing which is a part of MLR Press that publishes children's and young adult titles.








The story is the one based on the following picture and was written for the Gay-Straight Alliance group's "Traveling to Better Project" on GoodReads.

It's only 5,000 words but I struggled big time with it, more than likely because it's a whole different way of writing. I think it ended up being pretty sweet and yesterday I got an email from Featherweight saying it had been accepted and sending me a contract. I won't get any royalties from this story and neither will Featherweight, as you can see in the explanation below, all the proceeds will go to a charity of my choice. I think that's a pretty cool thing and it still gets my name out there as a published author.  I'm not sure when it's coming out yet but please consider giving it a go when it does - it is for charity after all. :)

--Featherweight Press is currently seeking submissions for their upcoming Helping Hands line of stories. The Helping Hands stories focus on GLBT characters and issues. The author and editor royalties from all stories in the Helping Hands line will be donated to a charity dedicated to helping GLBT youth that the author chooses.--

In other news, I just finished the line edits for Finally Home and I think the next step is galleys - don't ask me what that is though. Guess I'll find out. Did I mention it comes out on December 27. Lol - I'm sure I'll mention it again.  I also have 8000 words on my NaNoWriMo, largely due to something we do on twitter called Word Wars. It's a great source of creativity and yeah, competition too. As long as I keep up my pace, I should be okay.

Enjoy your weekend, friends. And please leave me a comment so I'm not so lonely over here in the blog world. (I'm not begging yet but...)

Happy National Authors' Day

Stealing this idea from the fabulous SJD Peterson .

We all have our favourite authors and from time to time it's nice to give them some recognition of the love we have for them. National Authors' Day is the perfect chance. I obviously can't list all of the ones I love - so no one be offended, please - and I'm not putting really new authors either. These are my automatic go-to-authors when I really need something either greatly anticipated or already loved to read, in no particular order and I know I've left a lot out. What are some of yours? (picking is harder than it looks, believe me)

ZATHYN PRIEST

S.J. FROST

AMY LANE

Z.A. MAXFIELD

J.L. LANGLEY

ALLY BLUE

T.A. CHASE

 MARIE SEXTON

ANDREW GREY

CAMERON DANE

CHRIS OWEN

J.P. BOWIE

SUE BROWN

JAMES BUCHANAN