Struggling with myself

I'm struggling a little at the moment; could be the deadlines I've put myself under or the changing of doctors & finding of a psychologist (1st appointment today), could be my immobility that I'm tired to death w dealing w or the rapid changing of the weather that makes my head spin and ache. I guess it could be a lot of things that are causing the low mood, the anxiety, insecurity & lack of self-confidence and motivation.

Every year I say if I can only get past March or even April, things will get better but this year isn't proving that way. Last year I felt like a writer, but right now I feel like anything but, and I wonder if I'll ever publish a damn thing again.

New freebie, upcoming author visit, Christian Kane & dwarfs.

Okay, so TRASHCAT really has nothing to do with this post except I felt just like him when I woke up this morning (still do). I won't go into it because I still don't have all the facts or know what's right and what's wrong. I will say I may not be attending GRL this year due to the unamused thing but nothing is certain, and I'm going by my gut-reaction right now more than anything else.

Moving on - I've failed my blog again. My randomness obviously stopped and so did my posts. I blame it on the depression and lack of motivation to do anything BUT I did do something. I decided last week that I needed to do a Valentine's story and my chosen pairing were Devon and Scott from Lazy Sundays. I think they needed a better happy ending plus I'll be making them into a full-length novel with both stories included and continued later in the year. Anyhow Lazy Valentines is now written, beta-ed, formatting and uploaded. The fabulous Megan Derr made me the cover and I found a pic of the same guys on the Lazy Sundays one. :) It's sweet and sugary just like the story. Not a long of angst in this one, people. But it is Valentines Day after all.

Random #5 - January sucks

I have no words - only pictures.

Random stuff 3 - obsession

Yesterday's randomness was serious - today's not so much. I do have a tendency to obsess over things so this post definitely fits. I have OCD but its mild. I'm not someone who has to turn off the lights three times before leaving a room or check the stove all the time or someone who thinks they've left their flat-iron on every time they leave the house - okay, that's a lie, I do do that. I guess my point, if there is one, is that though my mind does go into obsessed mode more often than not, I don't view obsession as necessarily being a bad thing unless its actually harmful.

Random stuff 2 - depression

Depression is a wide-spread mental health issue that can affect anyone with no regard to gender, sexuality, age, marital status, social standing or whatever else. It can produce physical problems as well as emotional. Oftentimes it is disregarded as easily fixable or not really there because unless a person has experienced it, it can be extremely hard to understand. Lack of understanding can then lead to fear of the unknown which in turn leads to apathy and impatience for those who suffer from it.

Depression and Sweet Story Recs

Fall has always been a hard time of year for me. There's never been a rhyme or reason as to why and believe me when I say, it's been researched and queried over and over. I have clinical depression - I'm not afraid to say it and I don't care who knows it - and there are two times of year that sink me lower than others: Fall (namely end of August to end of October) and the months of January and February (my birthday month lol). Strange timing and I'm thankful for the couple months between fall and January to sort of regroup

Talk of swag, stock photos & other babble...

I still haven't deleted all the pics on my blog. *sighs* Still not sure what I'm doing about that. It's mostly my main page that will be a bummer. I know I can still use Nicu

<-- Nicu

because he's bought and paid for and yes, he did have a female behind him in the original. He looks better without, don't you think? :)

To blog or not to blog - that is the question

The title to this blog has been a serious question in my head for the last couple of days. There's been a lot of crap going on in m/m community but I'm not here to discuss that. If you know me, you know I'm emotional and some of the stuff going on is very emotion-invoking so I'm just keeping my head down and as usual, worrying about other things. This blog is one of those things or more precisely, how I'll go about handling what the following article says:

Blog: You can get Sued for using pics on your blog

Music Monday - Goo Goo Dolls

I'm doing the Goo Goo Dolls for obvious reasons - I saw them on Friday and they were Goo-tacular. Best show I've seen them do in a long time. They were relaxed and John had a couple of giggle fits during a song. Robby was sock-footed as usual, and someone threw him baby shoes for his new baby. He was so happy - they both were just a joy really.

The Goos are working on a new album and have been around for, like, ever. Hard to believe John is 46 and still so damn pretty. That's all I'm gonna say. Goo Goo Dolls are a must buy, must see, top ten on my list. I'm including a couple of pics and vids I shot on Friday - not saying they're good because I'm shaky and keep putting my finger over the mic - but I think they're still cute. :)  Enjoy.

W.I.P. Wednesday & this & that

I definitely have a few WIPs that need to be whipped into shape and I love that little pic. :)

Progress update:

Olympic Football: I finished and subbed my Olympic football story - it came out at 8000 words just between the 5 and 10k parameters. I think it's a sweet story and it shows I may have even learned something during all my Euro Cup watching because I actually used some football words. :) I think I'll hear next week whether it will be accepted for the anthology.

Bon Voyage - keep in touch

I leave Tuesday for my cruise - we fly to London then bus it to Southampton and the ship leaves Wednesday. Twelve days exploring Northern Europe - Ireland, Scotland mostly, with a stop in Guernsey (don't they have cows there?), Liverpool and Paris. We have three nights in London after to explore as well.

I'm still one-crutching it - annoying but although my MCL and hamstrings are much better, my bursitis is coming back. I can't get another steroid shot until I get back so the pain is definitely more than it was even two weeks ago. I'll survive - rest when I have to, ice it and be careful (have I told you I'm a klutz?) Besides being crutch-challenged, I'm also going to be internet-challenged while I'm gone. I'm hoping to check up on email a few times at least but on the ship it costs an arm and a leg, of which I already only have one good one.

The good, the bad and the pretty

Yeah, that's how my life kind of feels like right now. This post is a whole lot of odds and sods, some pretties, etc, etc, etc.


Just a reminder that the Hop Against Homophobia starts Thursday, May 17 on the International Day Against Homophobia. There are over 230 authors, publishers and review sites involved in the hop, all with individual give-aways. We've encouraged all of our participants to acknowledge the International Day Against Homophobia in their posts on that day, whether it be in addressing the overall issue of homophobia, the relaying of personal experiences, the importance of getting the word out about bullying or helplines, etc. So join the cause, fight the fear and hate, and see some great m/m content. Click the icon for the link. And just a heads-up, I'll be giving away a set of William Neale's Home series ebooks in his memory on my site, in a separate post than mine, so make sure you check out both posts.



Next I have a couple of release dates for June - two in one month is still a little surreal, plus I'll be on my cruise for the first and flying for the second.

Music Monday - SEETHER!!!

I usually post new music here - try to expand your minds with bands you may not have heard but today has to go to one of my top 5 bands of all time. Seether. Plus my sis and I are seeing them for the 7th or 8th time on Wednesday and I'm stoked.

Seether was formed by lead singer and guitarist Shaun Morgan and his childhood friend Dale Stewart (bass). They started out with the name Saragon Gas in 1999, then changed to Seether in 2002. Current drummer John Humprey signed on is 2004 and the threesome was officially set. They've had other guitarists come and go but in general, it's the three of them that make up the band.

Seether's music has been described as post-grunge/alternative metal but I think that depends on who you talk to and who's listening. I love their harder stuff, Shaun is nothing but awesome when he lets out his killer screams but I also love the slower songs. Their lyrics run from angry to emotional to hopeful, and that's always the most important part of any band for me. I absolutely adore their acoustic songs too. (they did a cover of Careless Whisper that I was afraid to watch - being a *coughs* Wham fan in the 80's - BUT it was made of awesome)

They don't have the reputation as the most exciting or entertaining band on stage, at least not if you're looking for endless banter and special effects. It's just them on stage, and the music says it all. I've seen them in big venues, small venues and intimate acoustic sessions - at a record store in the mall, front and centre. Even stalked Shaun a little in the store and he was gracious and asked me what CDs i thought he should buy.

New Contract, excerpt & tattoo problems

<-- That right there is a tattoo I really want - maybe with some background added in. I've always loved wolves and it sort of resembles my dog's face that I lost last year. 


And in other tattoo news, I'm looking to turn my simple Red Hot Chili Peppers logo tattoo into a mandala tattoo. Basically a mandala can have certain symbolism behind it, there are celtic, chakra, etc. or it can just be things woven together that represent parts of a person. I want to work outward from my Peppers tattoo, maybe fill in the middle with another layer of the logo. My problem is I cannot draw or design to save my life and I'm hoping someone might be willing to offer me some assistance. I know I have some artistic friends out there. Thoughts? Anyhow - on to the next part of the blog.


I'm thrilled to say that my shifter/witch/gypsy/etc paranormal series - at least the first book - has been accepted for publication by MLR Press. I've been working hard on Lucius' Bite and it's my longest story to date (not counting that 90k one I started three years ago and haven't been back to :P). 


I spent last week re-reading it, revising it, editing it until I never wanted to see the characters again - Lucius who? But it paid off and now I've already gotten through the first set of edits so it's on its way. I fall in love fast with my characters and both the MCs drove me freaking crazy at different times during different scenes but I love them so hard. I don't have a publication date yet, of course, but hopefully in time for GRL. 


AND it will be in print too. That kind of makes me squee inside -even though people don't buy a lot of print anymore, especially m/m - it's more about having my name on a cover of something I can hold in my hand. :)  And speaking of covers, I may be having a friend do one but it's still too early to tell. I'll keep you posted.


Now here's an excerpt: (it's a more humorous one but the story is still a mix of angst with some light-heartedness once and a while) Hope you like.

A personal tribute to William Neale

Have you ever met someone who made you feel at ease in a matter of moments when all you'd been feeling before was fear and trepidation? Someone with a soft, caring voice that snuck under your skin and made you not flee a nervous situation and run back to your room? William Neale was that person to me at GRL. He was the first person to welcome me to the MLR family and the first to actually look me in the eye and say "didn't I hear that you have a book coming out?"

Thinking Thursday - Radical Acceptance

I signed up for Gay Rom Lit in October and while I was doing it I was so excited. I swear I was one of the first five to sign up. Also, made the registration for the fabulous hotel in Albuquerque with my lovely roommate. All was good last night. 


I'm going as an author, instead of a reader like last year, which means I have to think of some swag to bring and I get to have a table for book signing - which means I have to actually have written some books to sign (there will be more on that at a later date - but it's promising at least). I signed up for a Q & A which I thought was ridiculous since there will be no one who will even know me as a writer, let alone ask me questions. My wonderful friend, William Neale, convinced me to do that one though. He said others would like to ask me what it feels like to start being published and have other newbie questions so I went for it. My MLR editor, Kris Jacen, will be running the Q & A so that's a familiar face at least.

Thoughtful Thursday - Validation & accomplishments

First I'll apologize to any newbies to my blog. I do post about my writing, my books, pretty pictures, songs and other stuff, but I also theorize about things that are important to me, and I talk about my own personal business. Today's topic - Validation.

Validation

To acknowledge and accept a person's feelings, thoughts, behaviors and internal experience as valid and understandable.

Validation is a tool that verifies that the other person’s feelings are valid, but doesn’t necessarily condone or agree with their behavior.

One Life - don't stop living it

I told you all about Hedley in one of my other posts and when I found this video today, I thought it was the perfect message. Perfect for today when my age passes from one number to another and every other day that I, and anyone else, needs a boost or encouragement to live the life they want to live. Hope you enjoy. :) And thanks for all the birthday wishes - you guys rock.

This is who I really am

<-- That right there is exactly how I feel - not because of anything anyone has said or done, just because of the spinning of my brain and the malfunction of my emotions and thoughts. If you've never experienced the wrath and instability of depression, you're not only lucky but you can't truly understand the emotions and toil it takes not only on someone's mind but their body as well. And I really hope y'all don't think I'm looking for sympathy when I post about these things, I'm merely venting my feelings a little.

Happy birthday, baby girl. :)

Twenty-five years ago today, I held my baby girl in my arms for the first time, and yes, I was a mere child myself when I had her *snorts*. Jenna-lee was unexpected but all loved, and she blessed me with being the mom that I'd always wanted to be. Yeah, I was one of those teenagers that, despite all the partying and having fun, knew that one day she would have a little girl of her own (along with 2 boys after - and that's totally the way it happened).

My husband and I were young, inexperienced in the ways of a screaming newborn baby. There was a lot of worrying whether we were doing the adequate things; changing her correctly, feeding her enough, bathing her the right way. She was generally a happy baby, but unfortunately Miss Jenna had colic for a while and the thing she loved most was being bundled up into her car bucket and taken for drives in my 1974 Firebird. Then-to-be-husband had a rusted-out, falling apart Gremlin so that was definitely not an option for either Jenna or me. Lol.

Jenna was the first grandchild on both sides so to say she was almost over-loved, is an understatement. She had more nicknames than any little girl I've ever known, many that have stuck over the years and still make her brothers go WTF is up with that one, example Punky-face and Nanoo. The girl has more pictures than any other child I know as well, albums and albums of just-Jenna stacked in my basement while my boys have a few boxes (Jake - the baby - even fewer than Jesse).

She's always made me proud, even through her teenage years, despite a few bumps in the road here and there, and we never did have to send her to that Private Girls' School in the middle of where-the-fuck-are-we Saskatchewan so that's a plus. :) She was a good big sister even once her year-apart brothers started getting into her stuff and sucking up some of her attention. She kicked ass in high school, making us proud with drama productions and always doing just what she wanted to do. She chose to go to a university half-way across the country and as hard as that was, it made us proud to see her independence and determination. Her last endeavour was to become a Yoga teacher, traveling to Montreal for intensive training, and I can happily say she has achieved that status and is more than likely, awesome at her new job. She blossomed into a beautiful, independent, assertive, lovely human being in front of my eyes and she is truly one of the most important things in my life.

In some ways because of my mental illnesses, seeing my kids grow and thrive and become good people has made me realize I did an okay with them despite all the issues I had when they were growing up. I can look at them and say I did a good job, I had a hand in the way they grew up and the people they are now. I don't think anything makes me prouder than that.

So happy birthday, Jenna-lee, I miss you and wish I could be with you on this special day but you'll be with me in my heart every single moment.

xo