Thinking Thursday - Radical Acceptance

I signed up for Gay Rom Lit in October and while I was doing it I was so excited. I swear I was one of the first five to sign up. Also, made the registration for the fabulous hotel in Albuquerque with my lovely roommate. All was good last night. 


I'm going as an author, instead of a reader like last year, which means I have to think of some swag to bring and I get to have a table for book signing - which means I have to actually have written some books to sign (there will be more on that at a later date - but it's promising at least). I signed up for a Q & A which I thought was ridiculous since there will be no one who will even know me as a writer, let alone ask me questions. My wonderful friend, William Neale, convinced me to do that one though. He said others would like to ask me what it feels like to start being published and have other newbie questions so I went for it. My MLR editor, Kris Jacen, will be running the Q & A so that's a familiar face at least.

Half-full or Half-empty?

Half-empty? Half-full?

Everyone has a different opinion or perspective on this age old question of negativity vs positivity. I'll be the first to admit that I'm the Half-Empty type but over the past few years with all the struggles I've gone through and the thinking - forced and otherwise - I've done, I'm trying harder to let my mind swing a little when it comes to viewing this glass.


Maybe it's my disorder or my depression or just simply who I am but the positives of situations don't come nearly as easy for me as the negatives. I'm emotional all the time and on those bad days when everything I see, touch, hear makes me cry, (like today) I curse those emotions and wish I could just box them up and send them away, and in some ways I have. 

Some sexy bears for a friend...

A special person in my life is going through some heartbreak right now. We don't live in the same city, the same state or province, or even the same country but my heart is breaking for him. (If you know me, you know I'm a big ball of mushy emotion anyhow) We've never met in person and he's young enough to be my son but none of that negates the fact that I care about him and what happens to him. He's my baby bear and I'm his momma, and I just want him to feel better. I know I can't do that for him but as I told him, his broken heart will eventually heal and will find someone special to love again, and I just want him to know I'm thinking about him and worrying about him.  I'm not entirely sure if he's a bear-lover but I suspect he might be so here's a few pretty pics for him - maybe to take his mind off his pain for even a little while.

*smooches her baby bear*

Can't do any kind of bear post without some Samuel Colt

Angelo Peterson

Photograph extraordinaire Mike Ruiz

Don't know this guy's name but he has some nice cheeks. :P

Not really a "bear" pic but he's sooo cute

And last but definitely not least, Tony Buff -

not a bear but who doesn't love them some Buff

  And if you have Tony Buff, you gotta have some fetish, too - 

Tony and Derek Da Silva

Depression and ponderance with a little light...

To people who know me, it's no big secret that the fall is a hard time for me. It's never been remedied or even reasoned why but it still keeps happening. I thought with my two 6 week hospitalizations this year for the depression that I'd get a pass for the fall but I was mistaken - of course. My therapist says it's not just the depression but the way in which the depression keeps coming back and the things that don't change during that time. The common factor is my home life and relationship with my husband but that is something unfortunately is not apt to change.

My intention for this blog was never to share my feelings but my writing and bright, happy, sexy pictures of beautiful men but that's sort of fallen by the wayside and I guess I need a place to express myself.  I'll take this blog off my writer profile on GR altogether so I don't have to appear as a whacko to someone who might be inclined to buy a book from me one day. I do have a website - well, not a real website - I have a domain and a place to put it but no actual format or anything. Not sure I ever will unfortunately since I'm so lame at things like that.

That's one thing I'm disallusioned with - my writing - I have my Christmas cowboys coming out on December 27 from MLR and now my really short YA coming out sometime after that but I feel like that's it for me. What did they call those bands back in the 80s and 90s that only had "one song that anyone liked" - one-hit wonders? Well, I think I'll be a two-book has-been. I see the things my friends write and the connections they have and I just find myself saying "what's the point"? There are so many excellent writers who have established critique groups and yeah, I'll say it... I'm jealous that some of my friends have that support and backing, a place where they can ask for feedback or help without feeling like a pest. I always feel like a pest, a burden, when I ask someone to read something for me and when I feel that way it just makes me back away from asking for help, makes me back away from my friends period.

And speaking of friends, that's a hard thing right now too. I have very few RL friends - and I like it that way - but the ones I have I cherish. My online friends are just as important but when my thoughts swirl in the fog of depression and unhappiness, my connections to those people become faded for me. I think I push friendships too hard, get too engrained and needy and stalkerish so my solution is to pull away and let those people go on with their lives without having to deal with me. It's hard on me but in my mind it's the only solution - to be alone, to hermitize myself, to not be an intrusion in lives that have their own issues. I love my friends and when they do me the honour of returning my friendship, I couldn't be happier but when I become too dwelly on myself, too over-needy and sad, they don't deserve to have to put up with me.

This blog is a bone of contention for me as well. I know you have to post something interesting to have people actually comment but when no one does, my mind goes straight to "they don't like me" or "I suck". That's typical me unfortunately. But saying that doesn't mean I'm vying for sympathy or attention, just letting whoever reads this into my head. That's another reason the writing may just not be my calling - that's the wrong word since I believe I've always needed to write and wanted to be a writer - maybe a better way to put it is I'm just not cut out for it. And maybe part of the disallusionment happened at Gay Rom Lit when I actually felt like I belonged somewhere that wasn't my own home and didn't involve being a mom. Maybe that feeling blinded me and now I'm seeing that it just wasn't true, that who I can be is not who I want to be. Too many questions and no answers.

There was a shining light in my tunnel last night. My youngest, Jake, had a gig with his band Cluster Fox. It was the first time they'd really performed since they went from being City of Fiction to the new name and changed some members. The bar was a little run-down and there weren't a lot of people there - some for the first act and more for the last one, but we had our own little smatterings of fans. I love to watch him perform on stage because it's a totally different side to my quiet, non-competitive, thoughtful child. He plays his bass and sings with the same passion he puts into his art but more so I think. Always wanted my own little rock star so in that way, I'm a proud mama. (I know the pic sucks - lighting in places like that sucks and I didn't have my real camera with me - mom!fail.)

Anyhow have a good long weekend (for most of you) and I guess I'll see what next week brings.

Heavy heart and on-line friends

I was going to post about the Gay Romance Literature retreat but my heart is too heavy. I found out today that an on-line friend passed away. I don't know the details or the circumstances and I'd never spoken to him in person or on the phone, but I liked him a lot and found him to have a humorous and caring soul.

 This is just another example of how important on-line relationships can be, how close we can get to people we've never actually met, people we may never meet. Net friends are the lifeline of some of us who tend to hermit ourselves away from real life friends, and in a lot of cases, my on-line friends know more about me, about my feelings, about my hopes and dreams than the people who know me in real life.

I'm lucky to have a handful of RL friends who support and "get me" but my net friends are just as important and often more accessible when I need them or when they need me. I'm not trying to be preachy or anything like that, I'm just tired of people telling me my friends on-line aren't real friends - this weekend at GRL, where I met a bunch of those friends, was proof that those friendships can become just as real. And the emotions I'm feeling with the passing of my "friend" are also proof enough for me.

My condolences, best wishes and thoughts go out to Mores' family and friends. Rest in peace, my friend.

Good friends come and go - real or not

The majority of my writing over the past couple of years has been m/m slash, or to be more exact bandslash, plus Alexander the Great slash, as well. And somehow over the past six months of hospitals and med changes, my interests in what I write changed so I pulled away from the band fandom I was so involved in. I made a new journal on LiveJournal that will just be for my Alexander fics and some personal stuff, and more than likely, some snippets of original fics I'm currently writing. I've considered putting some of my Alexander drabbles on here - the ones I do weekly - because I'm kind of proud of them and enjoy writing them but I'm not sure how well they'll be received. Something to ponder I guess.

Anyhow this post wasn't supposed to be about any of that, but rather the reality of losing friends who you really have nothing in common with anymore. I've heard people say that online friends are not true friends, that they don't count because they exist over the web and not in our "real life" but I beg to differ. Being someone that tends to shut herself off from real life friends, who prefers the sanctity of her house to the noisy outside world, online friends are very important to me. They are my support, my encouragement, my shoulder to cry on, my ear to listen when I'm excited or sad or just need to talk, and it hurts just as much when those friendships end, more so than some RL ones. I'm a sappy, mushy friend who cherishes the people in her life and may make them crazy due to all those things but at the same time, I'm loyal and supportive and non-judgmental and I listen really well.

Online friendships can be safe and playful, but they can also be emotional and life-changing, and when things change between friends, interests or what have you, it can be hard to adjust yourself to not having that person at the other end of the web to talk to. I understand why friendships end and why there is the necessity for closure but that doesn't mean I don't feel sad, fell like I've lost something special. I do and I have.

I want to end this post on a positive note by saying that even though I've loved and lost so to speak, I still have great friendships in my life, ones that I cherish and hope to grow and keep for a long time. Friends are gifts in our lives whether online or "real", gifts that even hermits like me appreciate and thrive on. So to all my friends reading this - thank you for being my gift.

k