Friday, October 21, 2011
For now I'm going to be personal because yesterday was one of my worst days in a while. I let the heartless bitchiness of someone I didn't even know or like affect me so badly that most of my day was spent crying and feeling miserable. I deleted my twitter, a social outlet that was important to me both personally and as a networking tool. But I couldn't take the emotion strife that the situation put on me. I'm over-sensitive, always have been, and it's part of the disorder I have, not to mention the depression I've fought with for almost 20 years that can often send me reeling in emotional turmoil for no apparent reason. I'll probably go back to twitter eventually with a new name and a new list of people who I trust and want to talk to because I've met some beautiful people on there, ones I don't want to let go. Maybe.
Luckily I have some friends (you know who you are) and an awesome sister that helped calm me down from my heightened emotional state - at least eventually. I emailed back and forth with one of them over 60 times last night and he made me feel normal and in control again, as well as loved and supported. The problem is I can't say this won't happen again because I know my heart is too open and my soul too sensitive. Trust me when I say I've tried everything to toughen up that skin that's supposed to surround my heart but nothing short of wrapping it in a thick layer of rubber or plastic will change it. I've tried. Shrinks have tried. It's just who I am and how I'll always be. I'm sure living with your emotions on the outside of your skin has its positives too, but at the moment I can't see them. Maybe they let me share and love people a little more unconditionally. Maybe they make me more open as a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen. Maybe they make me more sympathetic and empathetic. I don't know. I'm in a place where I'm not even sure I'm a good person right now and I wonder if I should just crawl back into my hole of anonymity and leave all this internet stuff behind. That would make me really sad because my computer IS my social outlet and I love the friends I have.
Oh and have y'all met my new muse - I can't decide whether to name Sebastian or Hephaistion. His eyes are a brilliant blue and when you put a candle behind them, they literally glow. He's about a foot high and very heavy and detailed. I just had to have him in New Orleans. He's beautiful.