~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~it's all about the love~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Friday, October 21, 2011

Getting personal

I have to be honest and say my intention wasn't to put so much personal stuff on this blog, but lately I've just needed the outlet to empty my head of all the crap that spins and floats in there all the time. I have a website - well, actually I have a domain and a place for a website - but I'm not sure it will ever actually become a website so when I have an actual published work all this personal stuff will more than likely be deleted. I don't really want my depression and personal crap introduced into my so-called author life so if this blog ends up being my only website, I'll need to revamp it.

 For now I'm going to be personal because yesterday was one of my worst days in a while. I let the heartless bitchiness of someone I didn't even know or like affect me so badly that most of my day was spent crying and feeling miserable. I deleted my twitter, a social outlet that was important to me both personally and as a networking tool. But I couldn't take the emotion strife that the situation put on me. I'm over-sensitive, always have been, and it's part of the disorder I have, not to mention the depression I've fought with for almost 20 years that can often send me reeling in emotional turmoil for no apparent reason. I'll probably go back to twitter eventually with a new name and a new list of people who I trust and want to talk to because I've met some beautiful people on there, ones I don't want to let go. Maybe.

Luckily I have some friends (you know who you are) and an awesome sister that helped calm me down from my heightened emotional state - at least eventually. I emailed back and forth with one of them over 60 times last night and he made me feel normal and in control again, as well as loved and supported. The problem is I can't say this won't happen again because I know my heart is too open and my soul too sensitive. Trust me when I say I've tried everything to toughen up that skin that's supposed to surround my heart but nothing short of wrapping it in a thick layer of rubber or plastic will change it. I've tried. Shrinks have tried. It's just who I am and how I'll always be. I'm sure living with your emotions on the outside of your skin has its positives too, but at the moment I can't see them. Maybe they let me share and love people a little more unconditionally. Maybe they make me more open as a shoulder to lean on or an ear to listen. Maybe they make me more sympathetic and empathetic. I don't know. I'm in a place where I'm not even sure I'm a good person right now and I wonder if I should just crawl back into my hole of anonymity and leave all this internet stuff behind. That would make me really sad because my computer IS my social outlet and I love the friends I have.

I'm babbling now so I'll stop. I'm considering cutting my holiday short and just going home instead of traveling to Seattle and Vancouver - just don't feel really stable at the moment, but I'll give myself a couple of days to decide. Maybe I'll try to write on one of the many (many many) WIPs I have going on or maybe I'll go have a nap and see if my dreams take me to a nice warm place (with a lot of naked hotties) where an over-sensitive person can relax and not worry about getting hurt all the time. Thanks for listening.

Oh and have y'all met my new muse - I can't decide whether to name Sebastian or Hephaistion. His eyes are a brilliant blue and when you put a candle behind them, they literally glow. He's about a foot high and very heavy and detailed. I just had to have him in New Orleans. He's beautiful.


  1. I'd go with Sebastian because I can't even begin to decide how to pronounce the other.

    You know how I feel about the haters. I hate to see them win against anyone and it seems like they've been winning against some wonderful people lately.

    I'm sorry you felt you had to delete your twitter account but I don't even have one nor a FB account and I won't get either (a certain man doesn't think it's a good idea and I agree).

    As for your holiday, do what is best for you. If you aren't feeling it, it might be best to return home. Or not. Up to you.

    Hugs and love, Iv

  2. Sweet lady -- I can very much empathize how you feel. Being myself through a lot in the last years I've had my share of that downward spiral.

    And still -- fears, uncertainties, flaws and sadness still rule a big part of my life, even if I should be happy with what I have.

    What I have learned is though -- no matter how dark the track is, no matter how long the tunnel, there is a light. Hold on, sweetie, do just what you do relying on those close to you, and that light will find you when you least expect it. I've learned it the hard way and I'm today so happy that I held on.

    BTW -- the personal stuff...for me that is what makes a writer. Only you have to feel comfortable with sharing your experiences. Noone else.

    Love, Danny

  3. Oh, I forgot.

    Definitely Sebastian. But I'm a Black Butler/Kuroshitsuji fan, so I'm biased. ;D


  4. Aww so sorry to hear you've had a bad couple of days. It can be hard for any of us not to take things people say to heart, and just because it comes from someone you don't know personally doesn't make it any easier. But try to concentrate on the friends you've made and all the positivity that comes your way. That has to outweigh the bad.

    Sometimes it can be good to take a few days off, just to step back and recharge. Have yourself some breathing space and thinking time if you need it and decide if you want to continue with your holiday, but remember we're all here for you if you need to talk.

    By the way, I'm with Ivan, I'd go with Sebastian because I can't pronounce the other name either :P

    Take care hon xx

  5. Ivan-baby-sweetheart - you don't know who Hephaistion is? Alexander the Great's best friend and life-long lover? I wrote a ton of slash on them. :)

    Sebastion is a good name though. :)

    A "certain man" may be right in not wanting you to have those things. I think he's a very wise man.

    I adore you.
    Hugs and love back

  6. @Danny - thank you for stopping by sweetheart. It's lovely to have you here. I've read your facebook and know you've been through way more than someone so young should have gone through - you are truly remarkable.
    Thank you for the kind words.

  7. @Lavinia - thank you, you always give me a lot of positivity to focus on and I always appreciate your comments and thoughts. Cannot believe you don't know who Hephaistion is either. *rolls eyes* I must educate you all. :P

  8. LOL, even if I did know I wouldn't know how to pronounce his name! :)

  9. @K-lee
    Hope you're feeling a bit better now.
    It's no wonder that I ended up with you blog -- my curiosity always gets best of me. Thank you so much for your words, you probably don't know what they mean to me. Being someone who always went unnoticed and in the shadows the appreaciation I get is like a little wonder <3
    *eager raising his hand* I know, I know, I know -- who Hephaistion is... (and I think I could even pronounce it if I weren't speec impaired). Beautiful histoprical figure and even more beautiful played by some actor we both adore LOL As Colin Farrell said "he makes you doubt your heterosexuality" ROTFL (if I were)
    -- Danny

  10. *hugs* I'm sorry it's been a hard few days for you. I hope today has been better. I'd say if you need to have this blog as an outlet, make a different one for your writer persona. We all need a place to let this kind of stuff out.

    I know who Hephaistion is, and how to pronounce it, but I'd probably still go with Sebastian. I've always been fond of that name. :)

  11. Thanks Piper. I do have the domain and space but have to find someone to help me make the actual website since I'm clueless with that stuff. Thanks for the words.

    Danny - of course you would know - wasn't he hot in that movie? *swoons* xo

  12. Awww honey. I'm so sorry. People can be so awful. Sometimes I wonder if it isn't worse out here on the internet. I know exactly how you feel. I almost killed Amara off completely over people of suck. Hang in there honey. If you need a shoulder, hit me honey. I'm always around somewhere. Sending so much love your way. *tightest of squeezes*

  13. It's important to take care of yourself, first and foremost. I sure hope you get to feeling better.

    As for your twitter, I'm glad your back. Lock that baby down if you need too. Let in only who you want in. You're allowed. Make a safe place for yourself where the suck can't get in. I don't know what I'd do out here w/o mine.

    *squishies you*

  14. So that's what happened to you. I saw that your account had unfollowed me, and wondered if I did something, but looked at the page, and found that it no longer existed. And I'm reasonably sure it wasn't my doing, as both your accounts are still friends with me on Goodreads.
    At any rate, I can't say much that hasn't already been said here before. Some people are going to be awful no matter what, and all we can do is ignore them and refuse to acknowledge their presence in hopes that they'll go away, which they always do eventually, especially online. Still, it does seem like they're hurting a lot of great people who are leaving the online world because they can't take it anymore. I hope that doesn't happen to you.