If you know me at all, you know I spent some time in the hospital this year for depression - a really long amount of time actually, and though I've been "okay" since June, the fall brings its one struggles. I'm generally on high alert from the end of August until the end of October because for some reason if I'm going to crash and burn, that's when it happens. Sometimes I handle this by hermitizing myself, not letting anyone into my cave so to speak, which results in me shutting myself from those friends, mostly online ones, that help me so much and that I need more than air somedays.
I'm in that place right now, trying to stay above water and not drown in my own head. Writing is helping and I've managed to finish my Christmas cowboy story - 25,000 words - plus a synopsis which was hell. The problem with this time of year for me and any time that the depression has sought me out, is that when I disappear, my friends think I've done it to stay away from them or I'm being snobby or unsocial, when in fact it's the opposite. It's because I don't feel I have anything of value to contribute or say or I'd be bothering people if I made that first move. Silly, I know, but the truth. In reality, I'm starved for conversation and attention and support and I guess this is my way of saying, if you want to contact me (even if I seem to be out of the loop), please do. Getting emails or pms always make my day anyway, but right now they make my world.
I hope this hasn't sounded too whiny or self-promoting - it's just from the heart, and what I'm trying to say is I don't mind if you give me a little poke once and a while.
Darling, you know what I think about this. And I'll poke you!! :) HUGS
ReplyDelete*pokes and hugs*
ReplyDelete:)
Congrats on finishing the story and the dreaded synopsis, BTW! Those things really are a pain!
ReplyDeleteCongrats on finishing the cowboy story - can't wait to read it. Hugs
ReplyDeleteHang in there.
ReplyDeleteI know what a difficult time this can be myself. You're not alone.
ReplyDelete*hugs*
I certainly know how that feels. People whine at me all the time for never initiating conversation, when the only reason I do it is because I'm worried I'll be bothering them. Add to that the fact that I am endlessly cynical, and tend to notice whenever people only talk to me when they want something, which happens a lot, and it just makes me hesitant to approach anyone at all, ever. *Pokes and hugs.*
ReplyDeletekaren you are not alone in this.
ReplyDeleteI have this plus the fact that I always fear I am disturbing people so it's very rare for me to make the first move and contact someone.
The end result is loneliness.
*hugs*
Honey, I know exactly what that's like; I do it, too, though I'm doing it less these days because I feel very good after my divorce. I do the shutting out thing and it's so easy with online friends. I've lost friends this way (not in some huffy manner, they just sort of faded away after I became inactive for months/years). I also suffer from depression and anxieties, so I know what you're going through and can only give you a *hug* and an ear to listen (well, eyes to read...) if you need.
ReplyDeleteLove the cat pictures, they made me laugh ^.^
Karen I'm guilty of shutting myself away too, and like you I worry that people will think it's because I don't want to talk to them or I'm being snobby when that's not the case at all. My problem is that I do it with my friends in my everyday life too, not just online friends. I'm an only child so growing up I got used to my own company and I can survive on it for a very long time.
ReplyDeleteI realise that's probably not the healthiest thing to do and when I'm feeling down, friends can help lift my spirits and lighten my mood, but I do it anyway.
Just wanted to say you are not alone in this and I'll still be here whenever you do feel the need for a natter. Hugs.